Lords, Barons and fox hunting to create millions of jobs in Australia

Australia to re-introduce Knighthoods, Lords and Barons: will create jobs helping rich people go fox-hunting.

[Non-Australians may not know what this article is about. If puzzled, click here ]

Following the Prime Minister’s decision speed up the reintroduction  of imperial honors, newly designated  Lord Clive of Palmerston has announced  that  he will be providing thatched huts for any of his mining workers who currently are living in disused coal mines.  The PM applauded Lord Palmerston

Wikimedia commons / Owain Davies
Wikimedia commons / Owain Davies

“We’re getting things done faster than a catholic priest with an altar boy,” the PM said. “The roll-outs of Lords and Barons won’t be like Labor’s NBN. We intend to have a Lord in every city and two Barons in every municipality by the end of the month.

“Lords will be people of impeccable credentials,” said the PM. “Oil industry entrepreneurs who exposed climate change fraud, journalists who have exposed fake aborigines, and manufacturers of the suppositories of all wisdom.

“In time, we’ll have a House of Lords to replace the senate,” said the PM.  “The senate spent most of its time arguing about stuff no one really understood. Human rights or something. Our new House of Lords can be like the English one, and reintroduce fox hunting.  That would give a boost to the farming industry, and give jobs to unemployed serfs who could help rich people on and off their horses. They could form groups and go into the bush beating drums to scare the foxes into the open. On top of that, there’ll be jobs for costume makers, ermine and sable farms, and work for decorative jewellers. After all, to give the nation the lift in spirits it needs, the scheme has to look right.”

Lord Palmerston agreed the plan would create jobs. “It will take at least three people full time to get me on and off my horse. And the new Baroness Gina Rheingold would probably need the same.”

The Institute of Public Affairs has estimated the new honors system could create 2.6 million new jobs in its first twelve months.

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Why Andrew Bolt will never be Sarah Palin.

Australians will be familiar with a journalist named Andrew Bolt, who seems to have a “thing” about whether people of mixed Aboriginal Caucasian descent can truly claim to be aboriginals, or whether they just “discover” their aboriginality to get career advancement and grants that should be given to “real” aboriginals. He was taken to the Federal Court a couple of years ago for racial vilification, and lost.

Australia suffers a shortage of truly crazy politicians, compared to the US. But the US has 15 times more people than us.  Australians, by various measures, are only half as religious as Americans, and we don’t have young-earth creationists here.  No one much cares about a politician’s religious beliefs. The former PM, Julia Gillard, was an atheist, and most Australians couldn’t even be bothered to shrug their shoulders and say, “so what.” So I guess that puts us behind the eight ball. This is not surprising.

So could Andrew Bolt ever become Australia’s Sarah Palin?  No.

Firstly, Sarah Palin once said that Putin might invade Crimea. This puts her on the same level as a genuine prophet of God, or people who say enough crazy things that one of them eventually turns out to be right, or people who pay other people to retrospectively create news clips and blog entries to prove they predicted things. (I don’t think she – or he -are in the last category, but I mention it for completeness.)

To my knowledge, Bolt has never predicted the invasion of one country by another. Also most of his early work appeared in print journals, and (unlike the internet) they are hard to retrospectively falsify. George Orwell got that bit wrong in ‘1984’.

Second, he doesn’t know how to field dress a moose, because we don’t have moose in Australia. This ability was touted by conservative commentators as a great point in favor of Palin being a real down-to-earth person when she was nominated for VP in 2008. No one talks about field dressing a kangaroo.

Third, Bolt has never been a state Governor and quit half way through his term of office. In fact I don’t think he’s been elected to anything. There have been some journalists who have run for public office (Maxine McKew, but she lost after one term.) But let’s be realistic. No political party wants a loose cannon in the Forecastle of the ship. They’d rather have him on the outside spaying it around than on the inside spraying it around.

Fourth, Bolt speaks in grammatically complete sentences. He’s need some serious dental anesthetics and some amphetamines at the same time to sound like Sarah.

So although some readers of the Herald Sun might wish otherwise, it’s never going to happen.

There’s more chance of Cardinal George Pell entering into a gay marriage and wanting to adopt kids than there is of Andrew Bolt being our next Deputy PM. Sorry. I just can’t see it But what about you? Do you think having someone like Bolt in public office would brighten up the landscape? Remember, HE wont have his finger anywhere near any launch codes. What do you reckon?